Despite the title, this is not a movie. This is an endurance test of misery, an amateurishly constructed selection of ugly, dated jokes that belong in the Daily Wire streaming catalog instead of anywhere near an actual cinema. I have laughed more at funerals than I did during Scary Movie.
There isn't a single joke, line, or performance in this production that is funny. It's the shambling, lifeless husk of artists who once, long ago, were intermittently funny and relevant, and who now haunt the extremities of pop culture. The result is the cinematic equivalent of a Facebook meme chain populated entirely by the relatives nobody wants to invite over for the holidays.
It's a film without a plot or even a compelling framing device. It pretends like time has stood still since the last time the Wayans were relevant, and there's a sad desperation to its attempts to "bring comedy back." For reference, that was in 2001, 25 years ago.
Throughout the press tour, the Wayans have spent an enormous amount of time establishing a defense for their incoming disaster. If it isn't funny, it's simply because modern audiences are so fragile that they can't handle it. But good comedy, especially satire, has to say something. It has to be smart, witty, even poignant. Repeating homophobic and transphobic talking points from twenty years ago at different ear-shattering pitches is neither. It just makes you look out of touch, hateful, and sad.
It would be so much easier to simply say that Scary Movie is a bad film and forget about its existence. But it's a testament to every ounce of wasted potential the Wayans once had. Their work today reeks of jealousy towards better artists, and that resentment poisons any attempt at satire. There is nothing here that is curious about the material they're poking fun at, no attempts to understand why certain things have become a part of culture. I don't mind crass humor, just look at my love for films like bad-taste-cornucopias like Flush and Scared Shitless, but they have to say something first.
At a time when great directors like Annapurna Sriram are making joyously trashy fare like Fucktoys, rejecting the transphobic bigotry of Scary Movie isn't stuffiness, it's just having a soul.
And even still, even if I give this film more leeway than it deserves, nothing works. There isn't a single joke that plays out like anything but a first draft. There is no buildup, no punchline, and not even well-coordinated slapstick. The pacing is non-existent, and despite the end credits listing Mike Tiddes as a director, I've yet to see any evidence of actual direction. To remain positive, at least it serves as an example that anyone truly can make a film these days.
Scary Movie isn't smart enough to be stupid, and it isn't stupid enough to be smart. But it is mean and small-minded. It thinks that just because it shouts obscenities at everyone, the results are the same. But all it does is make the Wayans look insecure and petty. Especially when their biggest running joke throughout the movie relies on gay panic and references to Brokeback Mountain.
In the end, I do have to apologize to every other film I've given the ignoble one-star rating this year. They all look better by comparison to Scary Movie, a film so repugnant it sets a new standard for the scale. From now on, every time I see a stinker, I'll have to ask myself if it's a one-star film or a Scary Movie.
